My Fig Tree
What we gain from sharing unsuccessful illustration pitch work
There are many past versions of myself that would jump for joy if they knew I’d be able to pursue my passion as a career. There are even a few who wouldn’t believe it, laughing at the thought of me earning money through drawing pictures. I’m sure there might even be a couple asking why not more? Why am I not rich, famous and discussing my debut novel on the sofa with Graham Norton, sipping champagne, giggling with Saoirse Ronan.
The truth is, I am so grateful I get to do this as a job but I do often wonder where I might be if I made other choices along the way. What if I took that design job at The Economist when I first graduated, would I now be working for a newspaper, not even slightly pursuing illustration, living in London on 80k a year with a different flat, different friends, a different hair cut, different dreams. Would I be a completely different person? I feel upset even writing this because I love my life so much. I often worry I might be suffocating it, with how much I want my ‘nice little life’ to continue, un-interrupted, smoothly guiding me into adulthood. But over the last few years, things have changed and things aren’t so smooth. They have become a bit bobbly around the edges, like a well loved cardigan. It’s given me a horrible fear of change. Because, of course, when you like something the last thing you want to happen is CHANGE.
This brings me to the fig tree analogy by Sylvia Plath - I’ve shared a portion below incase you haven’t read the Bell Jar.
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor…and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” - Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar)
When I first read The Bell Jar at 16, just before I started my English A Level, I didn’t understand what Plath meant. As a teen you make virtually no choices yourself. I may have picked a few subjects to study, sent some choice words to friends over text (apologies to my Brighton girls whom I love dearly and might be reading this xox) and maybe even picked my outfit for non-uniform day at school - But most of my life was not filled with crippling choice. Now I feel like every decision I make, impacts the rest of my life. Of course, little to no repercussions may come from me deciding to have skinny milk vs whole milk in my coffee. BUT deciding what to do next at work seems to have a ricochet on whether I am able to continue being an illustrator or whether I pack up my computer, sell the flat and move to rural France to open a knick-knack shop (one of my personal figs btw).
This brings me to something that happened last week…
At the end of last year I lost a big pitch on a picture book I really wanted for a dream publisher. I had a little cry and felt a bit miserable for a few days, but said to myself - WELL CONNIE, what is meant to be, is meant to be. Skip ahead to a few months later. At the start of the year I was umming and erring over whether I wanted to share some of the work I created for the pitch on my socials and website. My lovely friend Leanne said F*ck it? You did the drawings - why not? So (with a bit of worry) I decided to share some of my (unsuccessful) sample spreads across a few different social channels. I was candid and said this was a cancelled project - because tbh what have I got to lose at this point?
I got some lovely feedback from peers, good friends and even a few art directors. I’ll be honest though - I thought nothing of it. That was until I received an email in inbox 1 week later, asking me to pitch for an even BIGGER book that was heading to Bologna. I can’t go into all the details for obvious reasons, but I was so delighted with how that tiny decision to share some failed work, led to something that might be even bigger! And if I hadn’t lost that pitch, hey I might have never got this one?
I think what I mean by all this, is that if we spend too much time stood still, worrying that a decision might not lead to immediate success, it stops us from being able to create new opportunities for ourselves. This expands to every area of life. If you spend time worrying over what could be, comparing yourself, you might end up letting the life you have now shrivel like an old fig.
To end, I thought I’d share an artwork I recently worked up from a rejected sketch. Whilst the project is still going ahead, I thought it was a shame to let this one go.
This illustration might not lead to me being sat on Graham Norton, but guess what? maybe the next one will.
Speak soon guys xox
Connie